A Post-Blog Guy Venting Session

It’s really crazy how a guy can make you feel so bad about yourself. I hate admitting the truth in that statement, but no matter how awesome, inside and out, I think I am, if a guy, especially one I really like, blows me off, all of that awesomeness can be swiftly broken down.

I’ve been really happy lately… truly happy. However, this past week I’ve been feeling really down on myself. This is because last Friday I had a very special date with a guy that I reallyyy liked. I think it would be better to start from the beginning…

Let’s call this guy AJ. AJ is a guy that I had met awhile back through a mutual friend. The first time AJ and I met we had this instant insane chemistry and attraction to one another. The only problem was that he had a girlfriend. Both of us were respectable and kept a fairly safe distance, although it was difficult to not be just a little touch-feely when we were around each other. Then he broke up with his girlfriend. Then we serendipitously ran into each other while he was standing on the wrong street corner to meet his friend. And then he called me (yes called, not texted) and asked me out on a date in the cutest way possible.

Sure, the date probably could have gone a bit better. I had just gotten off work for the week and was tired, I was bloated from Aunt Flo, I was pretty nervous (so was he), and I ended up getting too drunk. But even with allll that, the date was still better than most. Okay it was amazing. We had fun, we couldn’t physically control ourselves around each other, it was all very cute. The next day he texted me with a funny little message.

I think we all know where this is going… although I didn’t at the time. There was nothing. All week, nothing. I texted him a funny pic towards the end of the week and all I got back was very short, nothing answers. Nothing. There it is, the writing on the wall, the thing I, once again, did not expect to happen. And why would I, I’m off in fairy la la land, where sometimes things are too good to be false.

So it happened. But this isn’t about the guy, he is young and just broke up with a longtime girlfriend… and yes he should be out and having fun right now. No, this is about the fact that it killed my confidence for exactly one week, and how shitty that really is. It’s kinda sad when a great night turns into a blah week, but it happens. It may sound stupid… but if you’ve ever been there you know that feeling. And I think most of us have.

Hey, maybe it’s just the endorphins running on such a high that makes your normal levels feel like mass depression for a week after… like returning home from a really great trip.

This post certainly isn’t a how-to. I really just wrote it to vent. Honestly I wouldn’t know the first thing about turning that feeling off, besides to say to just not care. And at times you don’t care, it goes back and forth. But unfortunately, and fortunately, I’m one of those romantics who sometimes feels things too deeply. Now that I’m pretty much over it though, I really just think whatever, I’m fucking awesome and I know it.

The only advice I will give is to just try to remember that most of the time it really isn’t you. They just broke up with a girlfriend, or act like they’re two years old or whatever it is… Feel what you’re gonna feel, for a week. And then realize the real reason why this guy is unavailable, which probably has nothing to do with you, and then remember how fucking incredible you are. Because you are.

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Texters: The different kinds and the meanings behind them.

Ahhhh texting, one of life’s greatest pitfalls. Take texting away forever and I could care less… seriously, I hate texting. I am a writer, and a girl. This means that my texts range from anywhere between two sentences to two pages. Writing a four word text is what happens in hell… no wait, that’s receiving a four word text, which is constant. And that’s just dealing with choice of words, timing is a whole other story. I would like to mention that just now, as I type this, I just received a kind of cute text from a guy… I honestly have no idea what to say back. Damn my overactive brain!!! Oh, and I’m a cheeseball. That never comes across well via text. Wow, I just had a genius idea for an app, “what to say back to boys”… too bad I just gave that away to all you readers out there, and you’re welcome. Okay I sent a message back, and it actually wasn’t half bad… I had a mild stroke to squeeze it out of my brain but it was well worth it.

So, I’ve also been noticing for awhile now different patterns of guys text messages. I mean I know we’re all different, and everyone has their own way of doing things bla bla bla… but really when you think about it, guys are pretty similar in a lot of ways, especially when it comes to dating, and thus texting. The question is, what is the meaning behind the way he texts. Well, I thought it would be fun to call some of these texters out, and make an educated guess on what I believe is its meaning. So I present to you…

Texters: The different kinds and the meanings behind them.

Texter #1 – The Over-Texter: This is not very common. This is the guy that actually might text even more than you, holy shit! He is very into you, and may not send paragraphs like you, but will often send multiple texts at one time. One thought on this is that you may be in the friend zone. This might be alright, unless you’re in complete denial about it. I’d be a bit careful of this one also, because the guy may verge on creepy. I know I know, guys will probably look at that and think, oh, just because a guy likes you and texts you a lot – that makes him creepy? Sorry, but it kinda does…
He isn’t always a creep however. And the sad part about this texter is that if you decide to allow him to pursue you and then turn out to like him back, he can then just as easily transition into one of these other texters. Men!

Texter #2 – The Weekend Texter: This is the guy that only texts you on the weekends, usually to see what you are up to… and maybe even later in the night. Of course the obvious response to this is that it is a booty call! Well, yes, but it’s not so cut and dry. I had a perfect experience with a “Weekend Texter” recently, and got some answers about it from one of my best guy friends. So this “Weekend Texter” actually seemed to really like me and want to hang out, but of course would only text on the weekends. I would never meet up with him (not so into weekend texters), but he just kept right on texting, and even learned to text me earlier in the day at least. Finally one time I boldly texted him back that if he really wanted to hang out with me, he should make his life easier and just ask me out on a date. Well, he never asked me out on that date, but continued to “weekend text” me. So ridiculous!! So I told my friend about this, and he asked me if I’ve ever hooked up with him. Well I’ve never had sex with him, but one time we did hook up a little. “See?!” my guy friend says, “If you hooked up with him once, that means there’s a chance that you’ll hook up with him again, so he’s just trying to catch you on a night where maybe you’ll be a little drunk and will do it again!” I said that didn’t make sense. If he took me on a date then there would be a much greater chance of me hooking up with him. To this my friend responded, “Yeah, but he JUST wants to hook up with you.” Well I guess that says it all, and good luck to that guy cause it ain’t happening! 😉

Texter #3: The “Wait Two Hours Before Texting Back” Texter – I find this to be the most common of all male texters. Do I think that maybe some guys genuinely are too busy to respond to texts right away, and really just can’t? I’d say thats probably about 3.6% of them, 54% of the time. The rest are just being stupid, but think that they’re being really smart, and tactical. Boy are they wrong. We as women must learn to let this slide I think, but I really wish that I could just talk so much shit about it to the guys that do it. And the worst part is that then we’re like supposed to do it back or something? Like if we then text them back right away, then we are somehow too eager. I hate this part of texting, with a burning passion so deep that the devil’s ass crack is sitting on it.

The only reasoning I can think of for these guys is that they don’t want to come off as too eager, or maybe they don’t want to carry on a conversation for too long. Either way this is just playing games, which is really kind of pathetic. But, I had another, beautiful gay bestie put something into perspective for me about men last night, and it’s a great thought. All guys began as little boys, growing up trying to get the little girls and always being cut down by them. It was scary, and girls are still scary to guys for the most part. This is especially true if they are pretty girls. They don’t know what they’re doing, and so, 9 times out of 10, they just run away. I kind of love that thought in a way, and feel like it explains a lot… but I also think it kind of sucks. I think what most of us girls just want is a guy to be brave and tell us if they want us; be fearless.

Texter #4: The “Text-Only” Texter – Isn’t texting just easier in so many ways? I’m sure 99% of guys believe that, because that’s all they ever do. When a guy actually calls me at this point I am amazed, and totally smitten for it. I love a guy that can still talk on the phone. But that just doesn’t really happen anymore. This one time I tried calling a guy because, call me crazy, but I actually wanted to TALK to him. He texted me back that he had just come home from work and was exhausted. Too exhausted to talk, I mean talk?! That’s just cray. Needless to say I never spoke to him again after that, and he obviously wasn’t that into it. If a guy always texts you that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t truly like you, but I would maybe give him the talk test. If he picks up and talks to you, then maybe, just maybe he’s alright. But if he doesn’t pick up and then texts you back, definite red flag.

Texter #5: The Short Texter – No, this does not mean physically short… although, is it weird that I’m into short guys lately? I’m on this crazy Woody Allen kick! Anyhow, I think we all know what this means. This is something natural within men. Men are simplistic creatures living in a complex world… because women created it to be that way, and rule over the universe. So, there are lots of guys that send short texts. Maybe even one worders sometimes. Ugghh how did they ever get to be so smug, it drives me nuts! I would literally have to analyze the text for like four hours to be able to shorten it down to a couple words… ahhhh maybe that’s why guys take two hours to text back! Now we’re getting somewhere!

The nice part about these texters is that they may hate texting as much as you. But I don’t think this is anything to worry about too much, as long as the guy is still texting you back. And maybe even texting you first occasionally. What’s that text, “What’s Up?” Yeah, that’s the one. That is a hard one to judge. The funny thing would be if when you hang out with one of these “short” texters, they begin reciting Nietzsche or Thoreau… then I might be worried.

Texter #6: The “Emoticon” Texter – I personally love it when guys are manly enough to use emoticons. L-O-V-E love it!! Sure they might be gay, but you know, they could also just be straight and super cool. Just kidding guys, you use those emoticons… not gay attt alllll 😉

Oh, and this definitely means that the guy probably likes you. They may also be more in tune with their emotions. That would be a plus!

So, in conclusion, texting has become almost an art form these days… minus the creativity and deeper thought or meaning. I’m sure that there are many other forms of texters out there, but I wouldn’t worry too much about it. The truth is that if a guy really likes you then it really shouldn’t matter too much how, or what, or when, you text. And it won’t. The guy’s that I’ve ended up getting into relationships with, I can’t even remember how I was texting them. If the guy you like is one of these texters then it probably is a red flag. But you never know, maybe if you play that texting game well enough you will make that texting game player fall head over heels for you!

And if you want to play those texting games… food for thought: something my best friend taught me, the Word Count Rule: make sure to always text back a less amount of words than the text that you are responding to. Apparently that works. This may entail a lot of word counting, but come on, it’s just first grade math.

As they say in “Wayne’s World”: Game On!!

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My 1st Dating Experiment: The Mass Text

Okay, I’ll admit it. I, Jessica Fuks, have recently fallen into a bit of misfortune on the guy front. It’s true, but it’s okay though… I keep reading all these things about embracing the pitfalls, and celebrating the challenges, because it is only then when you realize that you are going through a period of growth, and with that brings new and better beginnings. Ahhh growth, what a beautiful word. And I do truly believe this, and stay positive for the most part. With that said, this is what’s been going on…

Three times in a row now… THREE! I’ve hooked up with a guy… and then never heard from him again.

Keep in mind that all three of these guys are not just guys I met out one night, and this happened… Whoa No! These are ALL guys that I have known, and liked, for quite some time. Backstory time:

Guy #1 – This guy is my best guy friend’s other best friend. I’ve liked him since the day I met him. He’s super cute, but he was always off and on with his girlfriend, although this time when they broke up it really seemed like it was the end. He’s pretty weird and quirky… and artsy, which I like. But his weird and quirky attributes can also be a bit much. There’s something everyone who reads this blog should know about me… I can be pretty awkward sometimes. I like to think it’s an endearing quality. This guy can be real awkward too… can two awkward people work? I suppose that I should research this more at another time and place. So anyways, I really tried to be understanding to his unique ways, which included being a really horrible communicator.

Guy #2 – This guy is also a really good friend of one of my other guy friends. My guy friend had always wanted to set me up with him, and when his girlfriend recently cheated on him, it seemed like the perfect time. We liked each other right away, and it was all very natural. He was beyond sweet and complimentary towards me when we hung out, and I really thought it was on. I mean at least a few dates, come on!! Okay, so he also may have mentioned the fact that he was moving back to Boston soon, but hey, he made it seem as if it would be at least another 4 to 6 months.

Guy #3 – This is a local Venice friend that I have known for about 4 years and liked for oh, at least a year or more. He always seemed to have a girlfriend as well, but there was still the most intense chemistry and spark you could imagine every time we would see each other. All of you out there in cyber land know exactly what I’m talking about. Just the most intense feelings “down there” whenever you see them, and a shared connection. Isn’t that just the best? Also though, his best friend did used to have a big crush on me, but that seemed to completely disappear as an issue when he recently tried to hook up with my roommate. In front of me! Right?! And then this guy became single again, and we saw each other… and that was pretty much it. And talk about complimentary! He complimented me even more than the last guy!

I have to say, after writing these descriptions, I’m beginning to open my eyes to the very distinct ways in which each one of these guys are unavailable. Suck it up to a case of bad timing? Or is it me? I’ll have to get back to you on that one. Also, a fun little anecdote for Guy #1 and Guy #2: Guy #1 looks a lot like Charlie, Marnie’s boyfriend, from the show “Girls”, and Guy #2 looks a lot like Adam, Hannah’s boyfriend, from the show, so I’ve nicknamed them Charlie and Adam. That’s for all of you “Girls” fans out there, and if you don’t know, you better ask somebody! Both pretty scrumptious! It’s a little scary how much I love that show.

So, ALL of these guys that I have liked for awhile, suddenly come out of the woodworks. You think it would be like a dream come true, and it kind of was. One after the other going through break-ups and suddenly becoming available to hook up with. And they are readily available (you think, “well yeah, they’re dudes so…”, but I can be shy, so it was actually crazy how easily it happened with all of them). And then, one after the other, in three consecutive weekends, I hook up with each of them. Mind you I only actually had sex with one of them, and I wouldn’t even consider it sex with how long it lasted! Zing! Feels good just to drill that hole deeply in.

But the last laugh is on me. As soon as it happens, it’s over, and each time, they don’t call. I don’t hear from a single one! Can you believe it?? These are guys that I KNEW… really knew, and actually liked. I really thought that for once in my life I, Jessica, was going to have to make up MY mind about which one I wanted to choose… which one I wanted to be with. I literally can’t believe it! I’m schvitzing over here!

But that’s what happened, that’s the story. So now, I’m contemplating how to proceed, or if I should proceed at all. A part of me realizes that I truly don’t care sooo much for any one of these guys, although I truly believed that I did at one time. And I am curious, and why the hell not throw caution to the wind… it’s not like I would have heard from them anyways! And why not have a little fun, like these guys so easily did… okay, I had fun too. 😉 But, empowerment is key, and I’d like to feel a little empowered after what I’ve been through.

So here’s my idea, an experiment… Send all three of the guys the same text message at the same time and just see, for shits and gigs, what their responses will be. A preface to Guy #1… I’m almost 100% certain that he is back with his ex-girlfriend already, shoulda seen that one coming! My best friend calls the relationship completely dysfunctional, but who am I to judge really.

*Disclaimer: I wrote the next few paragraphs in real time, as I was actually about to send the text. I wanted my feelings of the extreme anxiety I was feeling to really shine through. Also, recording all of this as I was actually doing it helped to calm my nerves. The responses section, and afterthoughts, were all written some time after the experiment.

So here’s the text that I thought of to send: “Hey, I was thinking about you earlier and I just want you to know… You’re an ass.” Good? I thought it was simple, straight to the point, and clearly states how I feel about each one of them.

Alright, here goes nothing eeekkk, I’m gonna text them all… and damn them all to hell!!! Wow, that was me getting dramatic. Actually, I really have no hard feelings whatsoever… and I fully accept the fact that this may backfire.

Okay, I did it, and needless to say I feel pretty angsty… kind of like a child that does something bad, but that they so wanted to do, and is now just waiting for their punishment.

Responses:

Guy #3 responds first, here’s how the conversation went: Me – Hey, I was thinking about you earlier and I just want you to know… You’re an ass. #3 – I’m sorry that you feel that way. I felt uncomfortable about the situation. I hope you can respect that. Me – Well, I would have respected that if you had told me you felt that way… I thought I deserved more than that. I guess you didn’t consider my feelings. #3 – I thought we were on the same page. I apologize for not making myself more clear. I have no bad feelings towards you at all. It’s the situation. Me – Why would you have bad feelings towards me, I was nothing but nice and supportive. Oh well, guess it’s done. Oh, and I felt bad so I texted (his bff that liked me) and he said it wasn’t weird at all. #3 – I said I don’t have bad feelings (idiot!). It’s not (the bff), it’s me feeling uncomfortable about you and me around (the bff).

I chose to stop responding after that. The conversation wasn’t going anywhere, I felt like we were going in circles!

So far, the first response made me feel bad, and like my feelings were not considered. I’m glad that I got to get out what I wanted to say. People think that there are things you shouldn’t say these days. No one believes in communication anymore it seems, especially with guys. But I stand true to my beliefs that communication is key, if nothing else but to make yourself feel better. Why should we be afraid to say what we want to? The right guy will WANT to communicate and have things be out in the open… so why not get some practice in the meantime. 🙂

He was the one that I thought would respond first, and I actually wondered if the other two would respond at all. But the next response cam just an hour later from Guy #2 “Adam”.

Guy #2 “Adam” gave me one word: Me – Hey, I was thinking about you earlier and I just want you to know… You’re an ass. Adam – Fair.

I actually laughed… it was pretty funny and true. I went through many options of things to say back to that, like “haha” or “I would laugh but I just can’t find it in me”… something along those lines. Finally I decided just to leave it be, and not respond anything back to that. I will admit, sometimes that is definitely the best option. Knowing when to stop. That could actually be a very useful lesson to many girls I think, including myself. I’m reading a lot about intuition right now, and following your gut… texting can give you good and simple practice for listening to what your intuition is telling you.

The final response, which I was surprised to receive at all, came later that night. I can only imagine how long he focused on what his response would be, and boy was it calculated. It reminded me what I really like about him actually, and even though it was harsh, I didn’t take it to heart. Besides, I kind of loved my response back to him. Any chance I get to be somewhat philosophical makes me a happy girl.

Guy #1 “Charlie”: Me – Hey, I was thinking about you earlier and I just want you to know… You’re an ass. Charlie – Thanks. Beware you’re standing on a two way street before you get angry things you want aren’t coming your direction. I might be going through my own shit… (I’ll bet he thought that was just brilliant, and he wasn’t far off). Me – I’m not angry, I just wanted to tell you how I was feeling, whether or not things were coming my direction, I was commenting on the way the situation was handled. And maybe you have your own way of dealing with things, but I’m also a good friend to talk to about going through shit… (now that was brilliant).

He didn’t respond back.

So that was it, that was my experiment… pretty interesting stuff! I haven’t seen or heard from any of them since, which is totally fine as I was over it all pretty quickly (I am getting real good in my late twenties). It will definitely be interesting when I do see one of them again!! And I’ll make sure to take note of it 😉 Do I regret doing it at all? Not in the slightest! It was a fun experiment, and although no one professed their undying love for me, I learned many lessons and got a lot out of it. It was also interesting to see each of their responses and their distinct personality traits come out.

There are two great lessons I’ve learned from this experience. The first is that I’m obviously choosing the wrong guys. These are guys that are unavailable, have issues, and are not ready for a commitment. One thing all of these guys had in common was that they had just gotten out of relationships; that’s almost crazy on my part! Okay, so riddle me this, how do I choose the RIGHT guys? Obviously rule #1 should be to never choose a guy that just got out of a relationship. But what else… how do we find that ever elusive Mr. Right? I find that there are many girls these days that believe that Mr. Right is just a myth, but I’d really like to think that they’re out there. And they are. Now, where and when to find them? If I knew the answer to that question then I’d be a billionaire, twice over. Maybe the answer is as simple as this: Love yourself, and when it’s right, the guy will find you. I am in love with that thought.

The next best lesson I learned from this experience is that if you want to say something to someone then just go ahead and say it!! If you’re questioning whether or not to say it in the first place then you most likely have nothing to lose. People are so careful these days. With all of the endless communication outlets out there, we are actually communicating less than ever before! And this really poses a problem. When I sent that text to the guys it made me feel good; for putting myself out there and getting out what I wanted to say. Sometimes even if it doesn’t change anything with the person, it still changes something for you, and once again, is good practice for the real thing. I only wish that guys would be more open, and communicate with me more, but maybe putting it out there into the Universe is a good start.

Oh, and I love experiments!!! Experiments are great! What a way to shake things up in life. I highly recommend it!! 🙂

 

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