“Acting Demure” or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

I’ve always wanted to reference Dr. Strangelove in one of my titles, and now that I have, I can move on with my life…

I would like to now tell you that my brain is a jumbled mess right now. I keep hearing all of these different tips about dating and how women should act when trying to attract the opposite sex… are things really so cut and dry? Like, just follow these simple little rules and you will meet the man of your dreams? I know that men are very simple creatures (sorry guys, although most will probably look at that as a compliment), so maybe there is something to these rules. But I for one, am much more complex, and I think I am far too complex of a person for these rules. According to one of these books that means that I am undateable and will never find a suitable mate. Well, I already knew that I was undateable, but I guess I was just kind of hoping that I could find someone as weird as me, so that we could be weirdos together and have this awesomely goofy life… I think something like that wouldn’t come from a book anyways.

But, why the hell not humor ourselves by discussing some of these rules that I have been hearing, because although I may not be able to follow most of them, apparently if you do you can get like any guy you want… pretty awesome!

I recently came across a very interesting and hysterical dating blog about a woman who found this book from 1995 called, “The Rules”(http://ifollowedtherules.wordpress.com/category/rule-1/). This book has mapped out the very strict and specific guidelines that you MUST adhere to if you want to “catch the guy”. Now, first of all, let’s not jump to conclusions on me being THAT undateable… trust me, I get guys, plenty of them. In fact, I mostly think that me being far too picky is what keeps me single for the most part. Well, that and being super shy. Ask any of my friends and they’ll tell you that I’m the least shy, and most social, person they know. But there’s just something that changes me into this shy, and dare I say frightened, little bunny when put around desirable males. That shell needs to be popped right open! However, when I do find a guy that I am comfortable with, then it’s typically a good sign. Okay, breaking off of that tangent, apparently being shy is not such a bad thing. Oh wait, did I say shy? No no, I meant to say “demure”. Oh yeah, demure… that basically sounds like being shy, but it’s like the fancy version of being shy… I’m not too fancy. To get specific with these first set of rules, here they are exactly:

In order to get a guy, you must be “A Creature Unlike Any Other”… okay, I think I can fuck with that… way to be demure right there…

I MUST:

1. Be demure

2. Pretend I’m a Movie Star

3. Build Myself Up with Slogans like, “I am a beautiful woman. I am enough.”

4. Be mysterious

Now, I may be shy at times, but I am just none of these things!! My friend had a good point with this stuff when I told her about it. She said, “So, you act like these things to get the guy and then you go out with him and show him your true self, and then he’s like who is this loud and crazy person?!” That does seem to pose some problems? I was going to try an experiment trying to put these rules to use, but then I realized that I’m not sure if I CAN even act like this haha. I strongly encourage any of you to try these things out though, and best of luck to you! I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, experiments are the BEST!!

I was next given advice by one of my friends who was told this by another friend of hers. Her friend had told her that when she is in any location where she is trying to attract a guy, she mentally and physically “leads” with her womb. I assume this means to kind of envision yourself doing this, like sourcing your energy towards that lower nether region. Supposedly this energy is all the rage with the guys. She was on a date with this really hot guy and things were going well, but he wasn’t making any moves. Then she remembered, oh yeah, that thing about leading with your womb. And she said that as soon as she did it, suddenly he was all like, “I don’t know why, but I want to kiss you so bad right now!” Obviously she was like Yeah! I think this one is easy enough for even ME to try out!! It’s kinda funny, but hey, I am all about energy sourcing.

This last one is for both guys and girls, and taken from a phenomenally awesome independent film made in 2000 titled, “The Tao of Steve”. “The Tao of Steve” is a list of exercises that is an infallible and surefire way to get a guy/girl to like you. This movie was originally introduced to me by my best guy friend, who to say used to be a player, would be putting it mildly. He is now settled down with a very lovely and intelligent girlfriend, so kudos to him. But when he introduced me to this film, I was mesmerized… this even seemed like something I could maybe do, because it leads from intellect… and I think I have some of that, woohoo!! (Disclaimer: emphasis on the SOME there). So here is the way to play the game, and keep in mind, this is a step by step process, so you do one after the other:

1.  The first thing you do after targeting your potential soulmate, is to be absolutely and completely desireless towards them. Act like you have zero urge to be with them physically.So #1: Be desireless.

2. Show excellence in their presence. This happens after you’ve shown them that you are desireless towards them. And it can be anything from showing your skills at pool, to revealing your philosophical side, to showcasing your panache for cooking, or even how well you play with puppies and kittens. See I like this one, because it actually helps to have a personality (I have this new theory about how a lot of guys like girls with no personality or sense of humor… but more on that later).

3. Retreat. So, just when they think they’re getting to know this amazingly talented person that has zero desire towards them, you disappear all of a sudden, make haste, don’t call or write. You retreat damn’t! So that when you finally do pop back up, they certainly don’t want to lose this amazingly talented person again, and hold on for dear life.

And that’s it… that’s all the advice I have to give. I love the Tao of Steve one, but there’s one problem in that for me, and that’s number 1… I have way too much desire damn it!! I can’t be desireless, I wouldn’t even know how to begin to not have desire!!! But I want it to work, and if, and that is one big IF, I can actually find some dudes to put these awesome tips to use… you know I’m gonna! Starting with the “leading with your womb” one, cause we all know it’s the easiest. 😉

So, I currently have zero guys in my life, which equals zero attachments. I’m free as a bird, and I have to say it feels pretty good (aside from when I get that certain urge “down there”, I’m talking about being horny!)… but I’d rather be alone than with someone that doesn’t appreciate me for the little weirdo that I am. And you never know when that can change in a heartbeat… or more like a flutter of heartbeats. And when I do find him, I’m gonna date him so hard. 🙂

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Drinks with An Actor (…and why it never happened)

Living in L.A. (born and raised) I make it a point to NOT date actors. Okay, sure if any celebrity actor wanted to take me out, I would probably not say no… okay, or if the guy was super hot. Well, this guy is pretty cute, some girls would probably say that he is hot, but he’s a little metro for me (I’m thinking that this is also a quality of actors? haha). Anyways, he wouldn’t let getting a drink go, so finally I relented.

It’s already not starting well however, for many reasons. Reason #1- I’m pretty sure that he has a girlfriend. Guys with girlfriends trying to hang out with me on a “more than just friends” level is no bueno with me! I mean, I am the type of girl where I will not only reject you if you have a girlfriend, but I will actually chastise you with your manhood and make you wish you’d never gone out with me in the first place! So we’ll see about that one muah-ha-ha… Reason #2- He wants to get drinks. I’m 29 years-young, and I am at that point in my life where I want to be taken out on proper dates dammit! Is that really too much to ask for?? Drinks?? Really? Okay, well fine, we can get drinks, but don’t think you are getting ANY sort of action with drinks. (Disclaimer: If I was really attracted to a guy, he would probably get some action with drinks) Reason #3- His texts are really annoying. He has said the phrases to me, “aren’t you too cool for school” and “thanks for fitting me in Ms. Popular”. Both of those things are HUGE turn-offs, am I right?? It made me feel all icky and weird inside when I read it…

Okay, so obviously at this point I’m thinking that this is purely a “friendly” drinks meet up… and in no way, shape, or form is it anything more. He is really sweet, so I’m thinking, maybe he is just secretly gay and then he can be my new bff. But then he texts me a few hours before we were supposed to meet (at the point where I was already thinking of excuses to cancel) and tells me that an audition just came up and he can’t make it. I said no worries at all, and that we would reschedule. I knew at that moment that I would never be getting drinks with him, I was magically let off the hook, and that was a sign.

But the texts wouldn’t stop. I realized that what was really eating away at me was the girlfriend thing, so finally I just called him out. I asked him if he still had a girlfriend, saying that’s what was really bothering me. He told me that things were “cooling off” between them but that they were still in contact. And then in the next sentence he states that, “but he is still fully available”. What?! The guy just completely contradicted himself, they’re merely cooling off, still in contact, and he’s fully available?! Does he even realize how this looks to me?? Apparently not, because he continues with his texts…

I really tried to be nice about me not being interested, telling him that we are obviously in two different places at the moment (read: so stop texting me and get the point!), but he couldn’t let it go. Then he sent me SEVEN text messages in a row with me not responding. I finally told him, sorry but drinks are still a no. I am way too nice! He asked why, and I appreciated him actually being curious. I had just wanted to know why the last guy I went on a date with all of a sudden stopped calling me, but he was too much of a coward to even talk to me, so I wasn’t going to be a hypocrite. I sent him a long text telling him why I wasn’t interested, with the most sincere honesty. He responds with: “I just figured you weren’t attracted to me :/” That’s all he cared about?! This guy really is an actor!!!

Our conversation ended with him telling me that he was going to give me a month, so that he can prove to me that he is fully available, and then if I’m still single he’ll take me out.

So I have a month to find a boyfriend. 😉

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