A Post-Blog Guy Venting Session

It’s really crazy how a guy can make you feel so bad about yourself. I hate admitting the truth in that statement, but no matter how awesome, inside and out, I think I am, if a guy, especially one I really like, blows me off, all of that awesomeness can be swiftly broken down.

I’ve been really happy lately… truly happy. However, this past week I’ve been feeling really down on myself. This is because last Friday I had a very special date with a guy that I reallyyy liked. I think it would be better to start from the beginning…

Let’s call this guy AJ. AJ is a guy that I had met awhile back through a mutual friend. The first time AJ and I met we had this instant insane chemistry and attraction to one another. The only problem was that he had a girlfriend. Both of us were respectable and kept a fairly safe distance, although it was difficult to not be just a little touch-feely when we were around each other. Then he broke up with his girlfriend. Then we serendipitously ran into each other while he was standing on the wrong street corner to meet his friend. And then he called me (yes called, not texted) and asked me out on a date in the cutest way possible.

Sure, the date probably could have gone a bit better. I had just gotten off work for the week and was tired, I was bloated from Aunt Flo, I was pretty nervous (so was he), and I ended up getting too drunk. But even with allll that, the date was still better than most. Okay it was amazing. We had fun, we couldn’t physically control ourselves around each other, it was all very cute. The next day he texted me with a funny little message.

I think we all know where this is going… although I didn’t at the time. There was nothing. All week, nothing. I texted him a funny pic towards the end of the week and all I got back was very short, nothing answers. Nothing. There it is, the writing on the wall, the thing I, once again, did not expect to happen. And why would I, I’m off in fairy la la land, where sometimes things are too good to be false.

So it happened. But this isn’t about the guy, he is young and just broke up with a longtime girlfriend… and yes he should be out and having fun right now. No, this is about the fact that it killed my confidence for exactly one week, and how shitty that really is. It’s kinda sad when a great night turns into a blah week, but it happens. It may sound stupid… but if you’ve ever been there you know that feeling. And I think most of us have.

Hey, maybe it’s just the endorphins running on such a high that makes your normal levels feel like mass depression for a week after… like returning home from a really great trip.

This post certainly isn’t a how-to. I really just wrote it to vent. Honestly I wouldn’t know the first thing about turning that feeling off, besides to say to just not care. And at times you don’t care, it goes back and forth. But unfortunately, and fortunately, I’m one of those romantics who sometimes feels things too deeply. Now that I’m pretty much over it though, I really just think whatever, I’m fucking awesome and I know it.

The only advice I will give is to just try to remember that most of the time it really isn’t you. They just broke up with a girlfriend, or act like they’re two years old or whatever it is… Feel what you’re gonna feel, for a week. And then realize the real reason why this guy is unavailable, which probably has nothing to do with you, and then remember how fucking incredible you are. Because you are.

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Experiment #2 – EPIC FAIL… but it’s not my fault.

As I sit here on a Saturday morning, fairly early as I did not go out last night, I am thinking that it’s been awhile. It’s been awhile that I posted, been awhile since I hooked up with a guy, been awhile since I dated someone! I had a really nice date last week actually… I mean this was a real date at a nice restaurant! How often does that happen any more? And I have to say I really kind of like this one. We have a lot in common, and he’s a writer, and a nice Jewish boy… we even knew each other when we were in elementary school, so bizarre! But alas, he’s gotten “busy at work” and oh yeah, is leaving next week to Chicago for two months. Oh brother, can’t a girl catch a break? He hasn’t even really been texting me any more, although when I first met him he pretty much seemed like he was in love. Story of my life.

Also, I was in Vancouver this past week with my family (my beautiful, brilliant cousin got married), and on this trip I became very observant of relationships. Let’s put it this way, I was basically the only single person there. Yeah, I was “that person”. This cute 22 year-old was trying to talk to me at the wedding, but I wasn’t into it. Holy crap, me, Jessica Fuks, doesn’t go for the cute 22 year-old?? Wow, maybe I am growing up and maturing. No, that’s not it… I was just so infatuated with the guy I went on a date with (and hoping he would text me, which he never did) that I just could not be bothered. Yeah, that’s it.

So anyways, I was observing relationships. My own parents divorced when I was 9 years-old, but two of my Aunt’s have been happily married for practically forever. And pretty much all of their children are in beautiful, committed relationships with loving partners. Another one of my cousin’s is getting married next year and they are seriously the perfect couple. So I was thinking, I am blood related to my Aunts, aren’t I? And they are the women of the family, as am I. So why can’t I use them as my example, and take after them? They will be the one’s I look to, to see how a wonderful relationship works and use as my road map in love and life. I also have some friends whose parents I’ve grown close with that share incredible, lasting relationships. These couples are my greatest inspiration and I am so grateful to have each of them in my life. With so many people coming from broken homes these days, including myself, we must look to whomever we can for inspiration. If it is their truth, then it too can be ours as well.

Okay, so enough of this ultra, super duper cheesiness. It’s Saturday morning and I must focus on the now, and by that I mean tonight. Tonight I will go out, and hit the town with my girls. And of course, there will be an experiment. My goal is to give my newly printed cards out to three guys. I will give an update tomorrow to say how things went. But that is my goal, and I’m stickin to it! Until then, hittin the beach!

Update: This experiment was an EPIC FAIL! I didn’t even go to the beach on Saturday… it was really overcast. I mean my life, it’s overcast. Both my friend and I had forgotten that this weekend was all about a music festival taking place in downtown L.A. The bars were barren, I mean void of any sort of attractive human males. There was literally not one single guy I would have wanted to give my card to. Now that I’m thinking about it, maybe I tricked myself into believing that to let myself off the hook. Maybe. But I really did try searching.

With the epic fail of Saturday night lingering, I thought I could make up for it by doing the experiment the next evening at a BBQ I went to with some friends. There were some cute musician guys there, but yeah, I’m pretty much a failure. And then I got a text from a guy that used to be purely a booty call for me, wanting to go to the movies. So I went. I didn’t even give him a card!! And then we didn’t even hook up, which I figured was the point of us hanging out? It’s cool though, I think he just wanted to break the ice since it’s been awhile. I had a really nice weekend, especially Sunday, but I must beg to ask the question… Where is my mind right now?!

It is now Monday, and I read an article this morning about spending the next 30 days surrendering to love. I think it was just what I needed. Just allowing whatever comes to you in, and jump right into it. Surrender yourself to the Universe, and to love, and give up the control of your life to an energy that will guide you perfectly. I strongly believe in this, and starting on this day, and for the next 30 days, I am surrendering myself to whatever comes along. Here is the link in case you’d like to try the thirty day challenge yourself: http://thedailylove.com/one-of-the-greatest-spiritual-tools-i-know-of/

Further Update: The weekend has come and gone, and the guy I went on a date with a week and a half ago, still hasn’t called or texted (mind you he did text me the day after the date, so I thought it went well. And then nothing). I seriously don’t get it, and am truly wondering what went wrong in his mind. If only for my own piece of mind, I will attempt to unmask his own truths behind his actions. I am going to wait until Thursday (as he’s leaving for Chicago the day after), and if he still hasn’t called then I am going to call him, and try to get it out of him. So, stay tuned eeekkkk! 🙂 

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