Update on the “Date Guy” aka WHY CAN’T GUYS TALK?!

Just  to recap a bit: In my last post (well second to last entitled Experiment #2) I talked about a guy I went on a really nice date with. I really liked him, and thought that he really liked me. He texted me the day after the date, and then after that, nada. I texted him twice thereafter, and he responded but was short. He said he got “busy with work”, and oh yeah, is now leaving TOMORROW for Chicago for two months. After tomorrow I will finally be able to let the whole thing totally go… aaahhhhhh freedom…

So in my last post I said that I was going to call him on Thursday if he hadn’t called me, because I’m at the point in my life right now where basically I don’t give a shit! I am ALL about communication, or at least trying to communicate! Sheesh, it now seems that trying to communicate with a guy is like trying to play darts with spaghetti… it’s hard. And so that was proved once again, when I tried calling him. I couldn’t wait until Thursday as I started freaking out, wondering if he had possibly found and read my blog, and if THAT was why he lost interest! So I called him on Tuesday, and this is what happened:

I called him. He didn’t pick up, and I didn’t leave a message. Soon after, I get a text from him saying, “Hey! What’s going on” So I text him back, “Just wanted to say hey before you left, but I guess sometimes I’d actually rather talk then text, crazy concept huh?” So he texts me back, “Ahaah I think we talked about this. Yeah I get it. I just got home from work so I’m a lil beat. How you doing” And that was it… was I about to respond to that?! No, I was not. I mean, you can’t actually talk on the phone??… sometimes guys will do whatever they can, anything and everything to avoid communication, and just putting things out there. I understand that it takes ACTUAL BALLS to BE A MAN and talk to a girl, and answer her questions on what went wrong. But he’s probably thinking, “I don’t owe her anything” and he’s right, he doesn’t… but that means that he’s also kind of a coward.

There were definitely some red flags anyways with this one. On our date, he asked me if I hooked up with this guy, and I didn’t so I said no. Okay, that was a fluke and I let it slide. THEN he asks me if I hooked up with this other guy, WHO DOES THAT ON A FIRST DATE?! Okay, so I did hook up with this second guy, I’m 29 years-young, I’m not a virgin for christs sake!!! So I told him the truth. That made things awkward for a bit and it was his fault for asking.

So, through all of this, I learned a valuable lesson that we should all remember. When you are first getting to know someone, if you do one thing that irks them the wrong way, they will most likely be over it. It might just be ruined. That may sound a bit harsh, but think about it: If you’re hanging with someone, it’s new and you’re just getting to know them and then they do something that’s weird to you or that you don’t like, you might just be over it also. I wish I could have found out what that thing was with him, whether it might have been something I texted him, my blog, the fact that I did hook up with that guy, who knows! But at least now I know that when I’m just getting to know a guy I should probably be on my best behavior! By this I mean to be cautious about the things that you say, and to not reveal too much (especially NEVER tell them that you have a dating blog!) 😉 My number one belief is still to ALWAYS be yourself… but now I’m adding, and on your best behavior, to that!! 😉

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Experiment #2 – EPIC FAIL… but it’s not my fault.

As I sit here on a Saturday morning, fairly early as I did not go out last night, I am thinking that it’s been awhile. It’s been awhile that I posted, been awhile since I hooked up with a guy, been awhile since I dated someone! I had a really nice date last week actually… I mean this was a real date at a nice restaurant! How often does that happen any more? And I have to say I really kind of like this one. We have a lot in common, and he’s a writer, and a nice Jewish boy… we even knew each other when we were in elementary school, so bizarre! But alas, he’s gotten “busy at work” and oh yeah, is leaving next week to Chicago for two months. Oh brother, can’t a girl catch a break? He hasn’t even really been texting me any more, although when I first met him he pretty much seemed like he was in love. Story of my life.

Also, I was in Vancouver this past week with my family (my beautiful, brilliant cousin got married), and on this trip I became very observant of relationships. Let’s put it this way, I was basically the only single person there. Yeah, I was “that person”. This cute 22 year-old was trying to talk to me at the wedding, but I wasn’t into it. Holy crap, me, Jessica Fuks, doesn’t go for the cute 22 year-old?? Wow, maybe I am growing up and maturing. No, that’s not it… I was just so infatuated with the guy I went on a date with (and hoping he would text me, which he never did) that I just could not be bothered. Yeah, that’s it.

So anyways, I was observing relationships. My own parents divorced when I was 9 years-old, but two of my Aunt’s have been happily married for practically forever. And pretty much all of their children are in beautiful, committed relationships with loving partners. Another one of my cousin’s is getting married next year and they are seriously the perfect couple. So I was thinking, I am blood related to my Aunts, aren’t I? And they are the women of the family, as am I. So why can’t I use them as my example, and take after them? They will be the one’s I look to, to see how a wonderful relationship works and use as my road map in love and life. I also have some friends whose parents I’ve grown close with that share incredible, lasting relationships. These couples are my greatest inspiration and I am so grateful to have each of them in my life. With so many people coming from broken homes these days, including myself, we must look to whomever we can for inspiration. If it is their truth, then it too can be ours as well.

Okay, so enough of this ultra, super duper cheesiness. It’s Saturday morning and I must focus on the now, and by that I mean tonight. Tonight I will go out, and hit the town with my girls. And of course, there will be an experiment. My goal is to give my newly printed cards out to three guys. I will give an update tomorrow to say how things went. But that is my goal, and I’m stickin to it! Until then, hittin the beach!

Update: This experiment was an EPIC FAIL! I didn’t even go to the beach on Saturday… it was really overcast. I mean my life, it’s overcast. Both my friend and I had forgotten that this weekend was all about a music festival taking place in downtown L.A. The bars were barren, I mean void of any sort of attractive human males. There was literally not one single guy I would have wanted to give my card to. Now that I’m thinking about it, maybe I tricked myself into believing that to let myself off the hook. Maybe. But I really did try searching.

With the epic fail of Saturday night lingering, I thought I could make up for it by doing the experiment the next evening at a BBQ I went to with some friends. There were some cute musician guys there, but yeah, I’m pretty much a failure. And then I got a text from a guy that used to be purely a booty call for me, wanting to go to the movies. So I went. I didn’t even give him a card!! And then we didn’t even hook up, which I figured was the point of us hanging out? It’s cool though, I think he just wanted to break the ice since it’s been awhile. I had a really nice weekend, especially Sunday, but I must beg to ask the question… Where is my mind right now?!

It is now Monday, and I read an article this morning about spending the next 30 days surrendering to love. I think it was just what I needed. Just allowing whatever comes to you in, and jump right into it. Surrender yourself to the Universe, and to love, and give up the control of your life to an energy that will guide you perfectly. I strongly believe in this, and starting on this day, and for the next 30 days, I am surrendering myself to whatever comes along. Here is the link in case you’d like to try the thirty day challenge yourself: http://thedailylove.com/one-of-the-greatest-spiritual-tools-i-know-of/

Further Update: The weekend has come and gone, and the guy I went on a date with a week and a half ago, still hasn’t called or texted (mind you he did text me the day after the date, so I thought it went well. And then nothing). I seriously don’t get it, and am truly wondering what went wrong in his mind. If only for my own piece of mind, I will attempt to unmask his own truths behind his actions. I am going to wait until Thursday (as he’s leaving for Chicago the day after), and if he still hasn’t called then I am going to call him, and try to get it out of him. So, stay tuned eeekkkk! 🙂 

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Boys That are My Friend

This post is for my dearly beloved guy friends. I have many, and you know who you are. I hate it when people say that guys and girls cannot “just be friends”. People that say this hold fear in their hearts of letting people in I think… sure, guys think about sex, oh, once every fifteen seconds (and I’m sure many girls, including myself, are not too far behind that), but so what? So what if they even happen to imagine the girl that is a friend in one of those sexual scenarios… that’s bound to come up, but the point is, that they can keep it in their pants.

Besides a few very close girl friends, I happen to think that my guy friends are the best, and closest to me. Many of them have become almost like brothers to me. I also think that I have a lot of masculine qualities, which can be attributed to having an older brother myself. I love UFC fighting, horror films, playing pool, drinking beer and whiskey, and I hate drama. I love the easiness of having guys as friends. You can talk shit to each other without getting sensitive, not see each other for awhile and pick up right where you left off, and they make you feel good. I have a lot of girl friends that share these same qualities too. 🙂 And I don’t think I’m unique… I think a lot of girls feel the same way I do. I basically just love my guy friends to death!

Okay, so here’s the other side to this… the side where I will partially give in to those disbelievers… the people who like to throw everyone into a generalized category. Yes, I strongly believe that guys and girls can just be friends, and I have proved this many times. HOWEVER, I also believe that the best relationships are bred from two people who make their true beginnings as friends. Sometimes I imagine, sifting through my guy friends, who might be a good potential as a loving partner. There are so many that I love, and sometimes I think, can I reallllyyyy love this person?

I have already stated many times before that I am giving myself away to the highest bidder, the one that loves the shit out of me like no one has before. The one that sees me as the most beautiful person in the world, and accepts all of the good, along with the bad. Would I like this to be one of my guy friends? Maybe! There is one very close guy friend that I have that I already consider my potential soulmate (more on this later). He tells many people when we are around each other as a group, that I am his favorite person in the whole world. He knows deep down how I feel about him, but he can’t seem to allow himself to feel those much deeper feelings. So, maybe he’s not the one… maybe another of my guy friends is the right one… or not! :p Like I said, it’ll be the one who can’t, nor does he want to, hold it in… and professes his undying love on bended knee. Wow, too much to ask for? Hmmm, I think not!

And until that day, I have my guy friends to support me, get crazy with me, indulge my inner “guy”, and NOT feel the need to hook up with. If all of my friendships with guys turned into relationships then I would have A LOT of relationships, so please everyone, throw your misjudgments away about this outdated rule, and believe, that yes, many people are evolved enough to have platonic friendships these days. Welcome to the future! And a special shout out goes out to all you beautiful, awesome guy friends out there, and you know who you are… you rule dudes.

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I chose to post a clip today from this movie, “Francis Ha”. This is a movie that I share a very deep connection with. No matter what she goes through in the movie she always put on a brave and happy face. And she really helped me to embrace my quirks… and there are many! Francis Ha is me, and I’m proud to have a piece of her within, and I’m even proud to be a member of The Undateable society.

My 1st Dating Experiment: The Mass Text

Okay, I’ll admit it. I, Jessica Fuks, have recently fallen into a bit of misfortune on the guy front. It’s true, but it’s okay though… I keep reading all these things about embracing the pitfalls, and celebrating the challenges, because it is only then when you realize that you are going through a period of growth, and with that brings new and better beginnings. Ahhh growth, what a beautiful word. And I do truly believe this, and stay positive for the most part. With that said, this is what’s been going on…

Three times in a row now… THREE! I’ve hooked up with a guy… and then never heard from him again.

Keep in mind that all three of these guys are not just guys I met out one night, and this happened… Whoa No! These are ALL guys that I have known, and liked, for quite some time. Backstory time:

Guy #1 – This guy is my best guy friend’s other best friend. I’ve liked him since the day I met him. He’s super cute, but he was always off and on with his girlfriend, although this time when they broke up it really seemed like it was the end. He’s pretty weird and quirky… and artsy, which I like. But his weird and quirky attributes can also be a bit much. There’s something everyone who reads this blog should know about me… I can be pretty awkward sometimes. I like to think it’s an endearing quality. This guy can be real awkward too… can two awkward people work? I suppose that I should research this more at another time and place. So anyways, I really tried to be understanding to his unique ways, which included being a really horrible communicator.

Guy #2 – This guy is also a really good friend of one of my other guy friends. My guy friend had always wanted to set me up with him, and when his girlfriend recently cheated on him, it seemed like the perfect time. We liked each other right away, and it was all very natural. He was beyond sweet and complimentary towards me when we hung out, and I really thought it was on. I mean at least a few dates, come on!! Okay, so he also may have mentioned the fact that he was moving back to Boston soon, but hey, he made it seem as if it would be at least another 4 to 6 months.

Guy #3 – This is a local Venice friend that I have known for about 4 years and liked for oh, at least a year or more. He always seemed to have a girlfriend as well, but there was still the most intense chemistry and spark you could imagine every time we would see each other. All of you out there in cyber land know exactly what I’m talking about. Just the most intense feelings “down there” whenever you see them, and a shared connection. Isn’t that just the best? Also though, his best friend did used to have a big crush on me, but that seemed to completely disappear as an issue when he recently tried to hook up with my roommate. In front of me! Right?! And then this guy became single again, and we saw each other… and that was pretty much it. And talk about complimentary! He complimented me even more than the last guy!

I have to say, after writing these descriptions, I’m beginning to open my eyes to the very distinct ways in which each one of these guys are unavailable. Suck it up to a case of bad timing? Or is it me? I’ll have to get back to you on that one. Also, a fun little anecdote for Guy #1 and Guy #2: Guy #1 looks a lot like Charlie, Marnie’s boyfriend, from the show “Girls”, and Guy #2 looks a lot like Adam, Hannah’s boyfriend, from the show, so I’ve nicknamed them Charlie and Adam. That’s for all of you “Girls” fans out there, and if you don’t know, you better ask somebody! Both pretty scrumptious! It’s a little scary how much I love that show.

So, ALL of these guys that I have liked for awhile, suddenly come out of the woodworks. You think it would be like a dream come true, and it kind of was. One after the other going through break-ups and suddenly becoming available to hook up with. And they are readily available (you think, “well yeah, they’re dudes so…”, but I can be shy, so it was actually crazy how easily it happened with all of them). And then, one after the other, in three consecutive weekends, I hook up with each of them. Mind you I only actually had sex with one of them, and I wouldn’t even consider it sex with how long it lasted! Zing! Feels good just to drill that hole deeply in.

But the last laugh is on me. As soon as it happens, it’s over, and each time, they don’t call. I don’t hear from a single one! Can you believe it?? These are guys that I KNEW… really knew, and actually liked. I really thought that for once in my life I, Jessica, was going to have to make up MY mind about which one I wanted to choose… which one I wanted to be with. I literally can’t believe it! I’m schvitzing over here!

But that’s what happened, that’s the story. So now, I’m contemplating how to proceed, or if I should proceed at all. A part of me realizes that I truly don’t care sooo much for any one of these guys, although I truly believed that I did at one time. And I am curious, and why the hell not throw caution to the wind… it’s not like I would have heard from them anyways! And why not have a little fun, like these guys so easily did… okay, I had fun too. 😉 But, empowerment is key, and I’d like to feel a little empowered after what I’ve been through.

So here’s my idea, an experiment… Send all three of the guys the same text message at the same time and just see, for shits and gigs, what their responses will be. A preface to Guy #1… I’m almost 100% certain that he is back with his ex-girlfriend already, shoulda seen that one coming! My best friend calls the relationship completely dysfunctional, but who am I to judge really.

*Disclaimer: I wrote the next few paragraphs in real time, as I was actually about to send the text. I wanted my feelings of the extreme anxiety I was feeling to really shine through. Also, recording all of this as I was actually doing it helped to calm my nerves. The responses section, and afterthoughts, were all written some time after the experiment.

So here’s the text that I thought of to send: “Hey, I was thinking about you earlier and I just want you to know… You’re an ass.” Good? I thought it was simple, straight to the point, and clearly states how I feel about each one of them.

Alright, here goes nothing eeekkk, I’m gonna text them all… and damn them all to hell!!! Wow, that was me getting dramatic. Actually, I really have no hard feelings whatsoever… and I fully accept the fact that this may backfire.

Okay, I did it, and needless to say I feel pretty angsty… kind of like a child that does something bad, but that they so wanted to do, and is now just waiting for their punishment.

Responses:

Guy #3 responds first, here’s how the conversation went: Me – Hey, I was thinking about you earlier and I just want you to know… You’re an ass. #3 – I’m sorry that you feel that way. I felt uncomfortable about the situation. I hope you can respect that. Me – Well, I would have respected that if you had told me you felt that way… I thought I deserved more than that. I guess you didn’t consider my feelings. #3 – I thought we were on the same page. I apologize for not making myself more clear. I have no bad feelings towards you at all. It’s the situation. Me – Why would you have bad feelings towards me, I was nothing but nice and supportive. Oh well, guess it’s done. Oh, and I felt bad so I texted (his bff that liked me) and he said it wasn’t weird at all. #3 – I said I don’t have bad feelings (idiot!). It’s not (the bff), it’s me feeling uncomfortable about you and me around (the bff).

I chose to stop responding after that. The conversation wasn’t going anywhere, I felt like we were going in circles!

So far, the first response made me feel bad, and like my feelings were not considered. I’m glad that I got to get out what I wanted to say. People think that there are things you shouldn’t say these days. No one believes in communication anymore it seems, especially with guys. But I stand true to my beliefs that communication is key, if nothing else but to make yourself feel better. Why should we be afraid to say what we want to? The right guy will WANT to communicate and have things be out in the open… so why not get some practice in the meantime. 🙂

He was the one that I thought would respond first, and I actually wondered if the other two would respond at all. But the next response cam just an hour later from Guy #2 “Adam”.

Guy #2 “Adam” gave me one word: Me – Hey, I was thinking about you earlier and I just want you to know… You’re an ass. Adam – Fair.

I actually laughed… it was pretty funny and true. I went through many options of things to say back to that, like “haha” or “I would laugh but I just can’t find it in me”… something along those lines. Finally I decided just to leave it be, and not respond anything back to that. I will admit, sometimes that is definitely the best option. Knowing when to stop. That could actually be a very useful lesson to many girls I think, including myself. I’m reading a lot about intuition right now, and following your gut… texting can give you good and simple practice for listening to what your intuition is telling you.

The final response, which I was surprised to receive at all, came later that night. I can only imagine how long he focused on what his response would be, and boy was it calculated. It reminded me what I really like about him actually, and even though it was harsh, I didn’t take it to heart. Besides, I kind of loved my response back to him. Any chance I get to be somewhat philosophical makes me a happy girl.

Guy #1 “Charlie”: Me – Hey, I was thinking about you earlier and I just want you to know… You’re an ass. Charlie – Thanks. Beware you’re standing on a two way street before you get angry things you want aren’t coming your direction. I might be going through my own shit… (I’ll bet he thought that was just brilliant, and he wasn’t far off). Me – I’m not angry, I just wanted to tell you how I was feeling, whether or not things were coming my direction, I was commenting on the way the situation was handled. And maybe you have your own way of dealing with things, but I’m also a good friend to talk to about going through shit… (now that was brilliant).

He didn’t respond back.

So that was it, that was my experiment… pretty interesting stuff! I haven’t seen or heard from any of them since, which is totally fine as I was over it all pretty quickly (I am getting real good in my late twenties). It will definitely be interesting when I do see one of them again!! And I’ll make sure to take note of it 😉 Do I regret doing it at all? Not in the slightest! It was a fun experiment, and although no one professed their undying love for me, I learned many lessons and got a lot out of it. It was also interesting to see each of their responses and their distinct personality traits come out.

There are two great lessons I’ve learned from this experience. The first is that I’m obviously choosing the wrong guys. These are guys that are unavailable, have issues, and are not ready for a commitment. One thing all of these guys had in common was that they had just gotten out of relationships; that’s almost crazy on my part! Okay, so riddle me this, how do I choose the RIGHT guys? Obviously rule #1 should be to never choose a guy that just got out of a relationship. But what else… how do we find that ever elusive Mr. Right? I find that there are many girls these days that believe that Mr. Right is just a myth, but I’d really like to think that they’re out there. And they are. Now, where and when to find them? If I knew the answer to that question then I’d be a billionaire, twice over. Maybe the answer is as simple as this: Love yourself, and when it’s right, the guy will find you. I am in love with that thought.

The next best lesson I learned from this experience is that if you want to say something to someone then just go ahead and say it!! If you’re questioning whether or not to say it in the first place then you most likely have nothing to lose. People are so careful these days. With all of the endless communication outlets out there, we are actually communicating less than ever before! And this really poses a problem. When I sent that text to the guys it made me feel good; for putting myself out there and getting out what I wanted to say. Sometimes even if it doesn’t change anything with the person, it still changes something for you, and once again, is good practice for the real thing. I only wish that guys would be more open, and communicate with me more, but maybe putting it out there into the Universe is a good start.

Oh, and I love experiments!!! Experiments are great! What a way to shake things up in life. I highly recommend it!! 🙂

 

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Behind the Title – “The Opposite of My Name”

I titled my blog, “The Opposite of My Name”, because well all you have to do is look at my name, and then you’ll know why. Now I’m not saying that I am a good girl by any means, or that I’m not not a pervert… believe me, I have a dirtier mind than most (my last name is Fuks after all). But, I don’t have sex with just anyone. In fact, sometimes it can take a lot. Oh, and I’ve never had a one-night stand (although this may change through the course of this blog).

The main reason for both of these things is that yes, I must admit, I am one of those girls that become emotionally attached to 99.9% of guys that I have sex with. I will literally stand up and applaud the girls that can have unattached sex… If guys can do it, then why can’t we dammit?! But, I am a strong believer, and well versed, in the idea that you can hook up without going all the way (although this does get difficult with my now raging hormones in my late twenties). This can be anything from just making out to the full blown 69’ing! But I know that for some it’s not as easy to hook up and NOT have sex (ahem! my BFF, we’ll call her Linzy, because that’s her name and she doesn’t give two shakes of a lamb’s tail if I talk about her).

The point is, however we are, that’s how we are.

Everyone is different.

And if there is something that we don’t like in our behavior, then we have all the power in the world to change that! And if we like who, and how, we are, and are happy, then that is all that matters.  Okay, now I’ve totally lost my train of thought…

Onwards and upwards! Introducing: “The Opposite of My Name” dating blog by: Jessica Fuks.

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